I’m Grateful For The Abuse I Received From My Ex

I’ve been abused significantly by my ex girlfriend.  The physical abuse has healed, but the emotional, mental and sexual abuse is something that still has very deep wounds.

When I met my ex I remember her father warning me the manipulation I would have to endure and that it will take someone very special to love her.  Perhaps it was me hearing how she and her parents didn’t always get along, or perhaps it was the desire to be loved that blinded me.  However I didn’t listen.

Then the abuse started, when she would get mad at her parents she would make things up about how her parents physically abused her, or locked her in the room and made her use the bathroom in buckets, or lied to her about her health.  I of course would defend my ex and help her out.  Only later did I find out it was really just lies, either her way of trying to get my attention or trying to get my to be upset at her parents because they were disagreeing about something.

Then the physical abuse and sexual abuse started.  The biting, hitting, throwing things at me and fits of rage.   I looked past them and tried to be supportive but no matter what I did it was never enough.  They continued.  Later I found out she frequently had fits of rage with other exes, her parents, friends and family.

She frequently to get under my skin would sleep around behind my back, and sometimes in front of my face.  I told her it needed to stop, but it continued.  I was afraid to walk away, afraid to be alone.  She often told me I would never be loved.  Finally one night I drew the line, told her it stopped or she needed to pack her bags and leave so she left to her parents.  She ended up begging me to come back, and I let her.

When she came back within days she was at a friends house sleeping around again.  I found out because I grabbed her phone and looked at the text messages.  I told her I was leaving and she got physically abusive.  She chased me down the stairs and a block down the sidewalk after hitting me over and over.  The neighbors called the police and she was arrested.

She married some guy she barely knew.  Later she claimed it was to hurt me, of course just like all her relationships it never worked out.  Soon she called me and said she left him because he was a drug dealer and moved in with friends that were forcing her to have sex with them.   I went and picked her up and told her I would take he to her parents or a domestic violence shelter but she couldn’t stay with me.  The shelter had a waiting list and she told me she wasn’t comfortable with her parents because they would force her to go back to him.

So I let her stay with me.  Feelings started and she once again manipulated those.  She lied to me and once again started using me.  I told her she had to leave and recommended she go to her parents or the shelter.  She went back to her husband.  I was worried about her, but I also knew all the stories she told me about his abuse were likely just attention seeking.

Eventually she left him and started a relationship with the friends she stayed with after leaving him and she claimed were forcing her to have sex with them in order for a place to stay.

The last straw is when we made plans to see our daughter (whom we gave up for adoption, but have an open adoption) but days before she canceled.  I thought she cancelled because of the trauma surrounding the adoption, but she told me the day before my daughter’s birthday she canceled and made plans to be spend the weekend with a couple she met online, the same couple she accused of forcing her to sleep with them.  Clearly this was just attention seeking and I cut her off after that.

Two weeks ago I left for vacation.  In the days before my vacation and the days my vacation started she sent me photos of her beaten face without explanation, audio of her having sex with multiple people, and one of her friends she had sex with called me while they were having sex.

Why am I thankful for this?

I have a disability.  I’m scared I will never be loved.  Yes this has really hurt me, but in the end it has taught me it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person and opening yourself to such abuse.

It has taught me that I am a strong individual.  I am capable of being loved. I am capable of loving.  I am capable of taking care of others, but most of all I should not sacrifice myself or my well being for someone who really doesn’t even care.

The biggest thing it has taught me is to value my friends and my faith above all else.  Before my ex was abusing, and during my ex’s abuse they were all there for me.  They were all warning me to leave.   Most of all they all loved me no matter what.

If you have a friend who is being abused, no matter what love them.  They may not be ready to leave, but when they are ready to leave they will need to know they have people the can turn to.

One Reply to “I’m Grateful For The Abuse I Received From My Ex”

  1. Great to see you writing again Zach. One of the sad truths of today is that you rarely can expect anyone to have the same values as you. I’m sorry you had to go through all that but I’m glad that you’ve come out a stronger person.

    You should still see your daughter but do it by yourself. Spend some time building up a quality father-daughter relationship. Don’t trash her mother to her, she’ll discover truths in her own time and way, just be the best dad you can be – and you will be loved.

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